Limbo Land

For the last 8 weeks I’ve been living in what I’ve been calling “Limbo Land”. Not  only is this “Limbo Land” real, it’s been proven. The easiest proof is this blog with the lack of meaningful posts. For that I am sorry.

But, how do you describe this “Limbo Land” when you don’t even want to live it? Let me back up.

It started 8 weeks ago when I packed up 3 suitcases full of clothes, toiletries, medicine, and moved to Massachusetts. I left behind my three pups, my three cats, and my beloved husband to chase after a fantastic career opportunity.

My job started off as a temporary position for 8 weeks allowing us to get to know one another, but also to allow me the opportunity to see if this is something I wanted to do permanently. After all, its a huge decision to move 2,000 miles.

With the fantastic support of my family under my wings, I’ve enjoyed every waking moment at my new job. I’ve met new people, learned new skills, and I’ve been growing. I’ve explored as much as I possibly can and I’m trying to live each moment as it was given to me. As a gift. As an opportunity. As a new door I prayed so hard for. A prayer so many of you blessed me with and a prayer I’m trying to take to new heights.

However, this “Limbo Land” I’ve lived in for 8 weeks has been rough. Only rough because I’m a planner. I like to know my next steps. Hell, I like the security of knowing where things are and that they are there without having to think about it. I like knowing where I’m going, how I’m going to get there, and having a set schedule.

The last time I experienced this “Limbo Land” in the truest form was when I was 14. I didn’t know why my back hurt so bad and why my ankle was so swollen. I didn’t know why I kept getting sick and never experienced relief from the extreme pain. I didn’t understand why I felt better when my lungs were wrapped with electrical tape. All I wanted was answers. It wasn’t until I was 16 when I figured out it was my arthritis, my disease caused ankylosing spondylitis that was causing all of this. The root cause of my “Limbo Land”. The not knowing.

But the last 8 weeks of “Limbo Land” have reminded me that you can’t plan everything. You just have to give it your best and give it your all. There was a time within the last 8 weeks I didn’t know where I was going to live because I didn’t know if I was moving to MA permanently. Do I bring more stuff to MA? Do I look for a place to live? Do I make friends? What in the world do I do with my time?

I hate those feelings, but at least I’m feeling. If anything, its taught me that I only have control over my own life.  The last few weeks I’ve felt like a schmuck. A schmuck is someone who feels guilty asking somebody for something; inconveniencing them; putting them out of there way. I think the worse part about feeling like a schmuck is that you could fix it, but you’re currently waiting for circumstances to fall into place. For me, I feel like a schmuck asking for rides because at this time, my car is still in Colorado. We’re talking 2,000 miles! I know how to drive and I even have a car, but I don’t have it here with me. I feel so silly, ridiculous depending on others with absolute no control.

But last weekend I said SCREW IT!! This is my life! I can only control what I allow myself. So, I fixed it by buying a backpack and it was one of the best decisions I’ve made. To you, its a backpack that carries my work laptop, my lunch and snacks, and my wallet. But to me, that backpack is my freedom. Freedom and independence I crave.

I am no longer dependent on rides to work or even to the grocery store. I can just grab my backpack and go. My walk to and from work is a story in and of itself, so I’ll save that for later.

I think the hardest part of “Limbo Land” is learning to “let go and let God”. I’m doing what I can now to make it the best situation possible. Although its official that we’re moving to Massachusetts permanently, it’s the process of trying to pull my roots from Colorado and create new ones here. And that’s hard.

I left my family. I left a state I knew the ins and out of. I left my house and my beloved pets. I left my car. I left my friends. I left my security. But I need this. I need to do this. I need to prove to myself I can do this.  To find the strength I once I had and share it with others.  To find ME again.

I’m taking each day for what it’s worth. For example, I remember spending 3 hours in the grocery store trying to find items. I had to learn the layout of the new grocery store, learn what the generic labels look like and then read the nutrition information. I stood there like a fool reading each nutrition label, searching through the counters trying to recall what I bought in Colorado. Then personally having an internal debate on this new product. Is it like X in Colorado? What did I pay for it in Colorado? Whoa!

I remember going to Target to buy hangers! All I wanted was the ability to hang my clothes. I remember freaking out about not having my debit card and wondering how in the world was I going to get cash. I remember waking up in the morning and not knowing how I was going to get to work. Oh wait, that part was just last week!

I’m 28, not 82. I need to stop taking life SO seriously and enjoy every moment of it. Even the “Limbo Land” parts.

That’s kind of it in a nutshell. Its crazy, stressful, amazing, and beautiful all at the same time. A dear friend told me once “Continue to chase your dreams. It’s not always easy, sometimes lonely, but definitely worth the risk.”

Here we go…

 

Much Love,

    

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